Sending Him Back~

Philemon 1:12. I am sending him back to you; sending my very heart.  NIV

This morning, I was sitting in my husband’s shop.  Sometimes, we talk about our babies. Would they have had brown eyes like their daddy, or blue, like mine?  Would they have been boys or girls?  For sure, they would have had dimples.

13 years ago, I had 2 pregnancies. The first baby, we loved for 6 weeks. The next baby, we were able to carry and love for 14 weeks.  When we passed that 12 week stage, we just knew this baby would live.  But, he didn’t.

I remember when they died, I was so angry. I could not understand why I couldn't have a baby. Everywhere I went, 15 year olds had healthy babies they didn't even want. I probably spent about a year totally pissed off with God.

Now, I see God had a bigger plan.

God,  I cannot wait to get to Heaven to hold those babies. Thank you so much  for a husband who understands and talks to me about our babies, even 13 years later.  Sending my babies back to You before I even got to meet them was one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever done.  I didn’t think I’d ever live through it.  I’m so sorry I was mad with You.  At the time, I didn’t understand.  Part of my heart is already in Heaven, God.  Hold them close until I can get there and hold them myself.