God, I Just Don't Understand

1 Samuel 1:27 For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted my petition that I made to Him. ESV

Philemon 1:12 I am sending him back to you, sending my very heart. ESV

I am not good with grief.  I never know what to say when someone loses a loved one.  This week has been filled with loss and grief and it’s just Monday.  One of my precious friends lost the son she was carrying.  He was born too early and just couldn’t survive.  For years, she had prayed for this child, and now halfway through the pregnancy, he was taken from her.  And God, I just don’t understand.

When Matt and I married, we wanted a child together.  I was pushing 40 so I knew that my chances were small.  Surprisingly, I conceived easily.  We were so excited, but at 6 weeks, our baby just stopped growing and died.  We were heartbroken but decided to try once more.  Again, I conceived almost immediately.  We were, again, so excited, especially when we made it into the second trimester.  I thought for sure we would have our child.  But at 14 weeks, this baby died, too.  I just couldn’t cope with the loss.  I had a terrible time dealing with the grief.  I was mad as hell that everywhere I looked, there was a pregnant teenager smoking a cigarette and their baby was fine.  I was so jealous of the blessing that they, obviously, took for granted.  My grief almost destroyed me, my marriage, and my faith in God.  But God did not lose his faith in me.  I had prayed... no, I had begged God for a child in our lives.  I lost our baby on Memorial Day, 2003.  Two months later, my daughter told me she was expecting my first grandson.  My baby.  Just not the way I had planned.

It absolutely broke my heart when our babies died.  I didn’t think that I would ever recover.  God had a purpose for what He does in our lives.  Now, at this stage in my life, I cannot imagine having a 13 year old child in my home.  But, I LOVE that I have eight grandchildren that we love and enjoy tremendously.

My friend, who lost her son this week, is exactly where I was back in 2003.  She doesn’t understand why her son gained his angel wings, but she, unlike me, knows that God had a plan and a purpose for her loss.

I don’t know how many of you have suffered the pain of miscarriage or stillbirth, but I know that the number of women who miscarry is high.  When we give our babies  back to God, we do, indeed, send a piece of our very heart.  Because we are saved, we know that one day, we will see these beautiful, healthy, whole children in heaven.  I know that that gives me peace and comfort.

Dear God, I send a special prayer to those women who have carried a child in their bodies, loved them and wanted them, but had to give them back to you before they were able to know them.  Help them to understand Your plan.  Thank you for the time we had with our babies.  Thank you for the promise that we will see them again.