Psalm 139:16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. NLT
I have fought with all I have against this blog post, and yet it keeps coming up. I know I’m supposed to tell you this story, and yet, even now, it is so tender, so raw, so heartbreaking, that I don’t want to share it. But, as a friend told me today, if God says do it, you better, “‘cause you don’t want to get swallowed up by some fish and puked up 3 days later for not listening”. (I love my friends. See Jonah 1:17)
This may be long, so be patient.
When I was going through my divorce, someone gave me an orphan lamb. Gosh, I loved that little lamb. We named her Laura. We loved her and bottle fed her and nurtured her. She was so joyful. I got her about 3 weeks before the Christmas season. If you have been with me, you know that we had a terrible, vicious divorce and custody battle. I hated being alone. This little lamb helped me through the lonely weekends when my children would go to their dad’s
About 3 days before Christmas, Laura the lamb stopped eating. I took her to the vet and was told, “sick sheep seldom survive”. We took her home and loved her as best as we could. I remember feeling so heartbroken and helpless as I watched this little animal grow weaker and weaker. On Christmas Eve, I just knew the end was coming. I remember that it was raining when my soon-to-be ex picked up our children to go to his house. I’m sure some bitter words were exchanged, as there always were.
Let me just insert right here….don’t do this to your children. Ever. If you hate their daddy, that’s YOUR problem. If you love your child, then love them enough to NEVER let them know you hate their daddy. Divorce is already so ugly and confusing for a child. Don’t hurt them any more than they already are hurting. Let them be little.
I remember watching my children leave my home, excited to be with their dad, but not wanting me to know because it would hurt me. I remember feeling so lost and helpless. I remember sitting in the grass, in the rain, holding that lamb as she died. I remember crying out to God. I remember thinking that my heart would never heal. I was alone. I was afraid. And I had lost something else that I loved. I don’t think I have ever experienced a lower point in my life. Even now, it hurts so much to remember.
Hey God, I’m not sure why I need to tell this story. I’m sure that You do, though. This is the first year that I have remembered this story and realized that where I was then is not where I am now. I made it. I am not alone. I am not afraid. I was not lost. So many mommies are going to face that first Christmas alone this year. I’m pretty sure that none of them will be standing in the rain, holding a dying lamb, but I am sure that there will be many who feel that they are, themselves, dying inside. I pray that as their child drives away, that you will give them an extra helping of grace. And for the ones who feel that they are so heartbroken and alone, I pray that they will feel Your love and know that You already have their future written in Your book. Help them to know that this heartbreaking time in their lives will pass, that one day, they, too will look back and realize that You already knew that they would be ok.