My Enough Bucket ~

Jeremiah 29:11   For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  NIV

2017.  What a year.  I have a hard time wrapping my head around the year we had.  320 photo shoots, over 30 schools visited, a beautiful dream vacation to the Keys,  a book series that made the top ten on Amazon, a wildly popular blog series, dinner with the First Lady of Florida, and a visit to meet the President and tour Air Force One.  My brother-in-law was cured from leukemia after being given 10 days to live.  I traveled to many beautiful locations.  I caught a whole bunch of bass. We were able to bless over 100 families with our mini sessions.  I am one blessed person.  

Or so I say on social media.  To the world, I live a perfect life; have a perfect marriage; love my job; have the best family life.  Don’t we wish what we post is what we live?

2017 has been hard.  Very hard.  I have felt like I I’m scattered in 40 directions.  Socially, I’m golden.  Emotionally, I’m more like rust.  My mom was diagnosed with Parkinson’s.  I hate Parkinson’s.  I think I was home about 2 nights a week before 11:30 PM several months in a row.   Two  people I love more than life itself have had their world ripped apart and are forced to adapt to changes that nobody should have to face.  I am so burned out that if I never picked up a camera again...ever...I’d be ok.  I’m pretty ashamed of that.   The worst, though, is that I have had to face the fact that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough for some people.  I have some “messy” people in my life.  

My sister got on to me a week ago. She said that I am blind to what I have.  I only focus on what I can’t or don’t have.   I’m not loving that.  I’m really not loving that she is right.  Why is it that we cannot see what we have?  Why does Satan have such a strong-hold on our negative emotions?  The Bible teaches us that God knows the plans He has for us. Plans to prosper.  

In my heart, I know she is right.  I know I am so blessed.  I know that I have had opportunities of a lifetime.  I know.   And yet, I focus on the heartache in my life.

I had an epiphany yesterday.  After hearing a “she said you said story” I said “enough!”.  Enough!!!  I have had enough.  I proceeded to get out an imaginary bucket.  It is my “not my problem” bucket.  I began to fill it with negative thoughts.  I began to put insecurity and doubt in it.  I threw a few people (head first and stomped em to make sure they didn’t jump out) in my bucket, too.  The only “enough” I am going to focus on is the promise from God that says “I” am enough.  I am worthy.  I am perfectly imperfect.  

It’s scary to think about getting back on track with God.  I got derailed by one of those messy people who spoke words to me that made me feel inadequate to follow God’s will for my life.  Enough.  I am enough.  I know Satan will try me again, but God knows the plan.  I just have to focus on that hope and that future He promises.

Wishing all of you a very happy 2018.